now i am quiet, hate up to my neck.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
um, in response to question one: life is good. i'm moving out of college "fuck me in the ass" housing and on up to bigger and better things...AKA northwest Portland. i am currently employed by buffalo exchange but have yet to start...i need a new drivers license and a newwww social security card, neither of which can i obtain without the other. all this "valid ID" stuff is crap. i am LAUREN A. C***** and i wouldn't have it any other way sooooo seriously, fuck off. um, i have a boy. whom i adore. and he takes me to see zombie movies and supports my habits. what more could a girl desire i ask you. the only thing missing is a trip home. which shall be in the works soon. and i think the boy is coming too. we'll see...
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
silly, silly me. i see a freight train approaching and what do i do? I tie my fucking shoelace to the tracks...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
my inability to stay awake for a consecutive 12 hours has finally gotten the best of me. i have a ten page paper due by 2 o'clock tomorrow and HAVE I STARTED YET? NAHHHHH. i aint stressin err nuthin y'all, i mean thats why i just typed that sentance in such an irritating fashion. i drink in excess. and i'm going to puke. and its going to be bad. i come to this library entirely too often to have it stinking like vomit. goodnight.
Monday, May 9, 2005
it's done. i've forgotten about you, livejournal. maybe i'll begin you again someday...like in an hour? maybe. oh my god and all prior entries are truely disgusting. it makes me happy to know i am no longer that pathetic piece of shit...$$$$.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
3:15AM
to be brief (i'm tired), i have come to the realization that investing time in fake ass friendships is useless. while it promises you rides, the occasional cigarette when you run out and places to be, it all is quite degrading and tedious.
I'm not going to fake it anymore.
While i would love to be able to associate my throbbing fist with your bleeding face, you can't handle confrontation and thats fine...another check on the list of reasons why you are pathetic.
i'd rther have no friends than continue with this facade.
you piece of shit, lying, backstabbing wasteland.
January couldn't be sooner.
Thursday, May 6, 2004
1:40PM
it's not that i don't write in here anymore, because i do. however i'm less enchanted by it and find myself devoting time to other cyberspace ventures ie:myspace. its fucking addicting.
but i have not sold you yet.
3 years going strong assholes. fuck all my lame friends that took it on for a minute than gave up...YOU MOTHERFUCKER. im half serious. half.
but, um, update. i've decided on a "path". the brainwashing was successful and thats fine. it will make me rich someday.
i'm going back to school. im going to take like 16 units through fall and enter USF as a freshman. hopefully. i've been looking at colleges in southern california and they're all retarded. fuck i'd rather be in the city anyday. i'm a city girl. better drugs, better fashion, a ridiculous amount of scandalous assholes, and mymusic. however i could do without the bad hair days im being promised.
all and all im ready to get the fuck out of this town.
i won't miss you for a.
fucking.
SECOND.
Current mood:  sick
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
1:46PM
i was thinking.
i used to like my life. and i used to have fun.
so, ...i'm just gonna go back to that.
this.
is shitty.
i seriously miss EVERYONE.
yes, you.
Friday, April 16, 2004
4:46PM
dear diary.
i will, in fact, have sex this weekend.
love.
lauren.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
4:41PM
oh god i already feel you ripping apart i knew i didnt fix you despite my every reassurance that i found what i had lost and shoved it all back in never to be spoken to again the things i do to you i don't know why you're still there but in truth i hate you and i wish i had left you to die that day that week that year stop pounding please just stop i don't deserve you if you don't you'll see because i'll make you suffer i promise i promised it to myself.
heart.
4:23PM
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm a bad person.
all those posts about how im not, SIKE.
seriously, what the fuck am i doing? this isn't me...i've never been one to break a heart. so fucking LAME.
but you know what?
i'll get whats coming to me...because mine's going to be shattered to pieces soon enough.
i do this to myself.
Current mood:  nervous
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
1:36PM
First concert? bad religion, blink 182, fenix tx and someone else...how sad that bad religion OPENED for blink...
Best show of your damn life? AFI, san francisco April 2003. fucking killed.
What?s the most you?ve ever paid for a show?
150 bucks for pit tickets at a blink show...my mom bought it though
Do you know the names of all the bartenders in town? one. his name is josh. he always tricks me into thinking some horrible combination of liquor tastes a lot better than it does in reality.
Been kicked out of a club? nope
Puked in public? what constitues "public"?
Moshed (slammed danced)? at the blood brothers i was tearing people apart. sorta.
Peed on someone ? mmmm no.
Crowd surfed? no thats so fucking stupid and i make a point to punch every single one that comes my way
Worn a shirt of a band that you went to go see? if you mean like, went to norma jean wearing a norma jean shirt, no. but if you mean owning a shirt of a band ive seen YES.
Tipped a stripper? no thank you.
Really spied on someone? not like, a naked someone.
Eaten anything on a dare? no
Seen a dead person? one, and i have witnesses
Had sex with a roommate? i have no roomates
Hidden an object from someone? hahahahhaha
Lied about your age? yes
Dyed your hair an unnatural color? yes
Scared shitless on 9-11? no, more like numb
Thanked someone for something they didn?t do? why the fuck would you ask me that
Been mugged or jumped? only by dana l. harris
Wooed someone with a mixed tape? i burned my ex boyfriend five minute ride and told him to listen to number 4...he later gave it to the girl he ended up cheating on me with.
Walked in on your parents? i have ONE parent thank you and she is asexual.
Been shot at? no, dude.
Graffiti?ed anything? no
Stolen alcohol? yea a stupid flask of vodka I DONT DRINK VODKA.
Fallen down a staircase? I used to do it like, once a day
Thought you were going to die? yeah
Saved someone?s life? no way. i don't give a fuck about you.
Do you have a star tattoo? no fucking way.
Wear a denim jacket more than three times a week? no
Know the lyrics to waiting room? i am a patient boy...
Been SXE? no thanks
Put an ?andre has a posse? sticker on anything? hmm
Have more than two band pins of your jacket, shoulder bag? on my backpack yes, however since i no longer attend school i don't see that as relevant.
Head Bangers Ball or SNL? neither
East or West coast? WEST COAST WORLDWIDE YOU FUCKS
Vegas or Atlantic City? I'VE never been to either but doubt i would enjoy them much
Mixed tapes or CRD? tapes
Texas chainsaw or night of the living dead? the old tcm...soooo FUNNY
Cash or Rollins? HENRY ROLLINS!!
STP or Nirvana? nirvan's okay i guess
DJ or jukebox? jukebox, DJ's tend to be super creepy
10:53AM
colors and phrases, for what i say these are all a mess just don't continue without me...
Monday, April 5, 2004
3:50PM
im thinking, i want to wear leazle's vato shirt tonight. look all fuckin killa and shit.
let it just be said that my hair smells rulll fucking good right now.
mmm this weekend was amazingly fun. my man's band played two parties and we tore them both up. the one on saturday night was some girl's 18th birthday...not knowing this i brought my 4-0 of bud light (ew) in the back yard and proceeded to get crunked. i put the empty bottle in the ciggarette can so the birthday girl's mom gets on cory's mic and explains to the crowd that there will be "no booze". "THAT'D BE YOU TURKEY SUB!" proclaims kiel. YES, IT MADE MY GODDAMN NIGHT. some drama later. who cares. i think we've all recovered fully. nieka's later was fun, but i missed the fight once again...
the party on friday night was a mess. i was 10 beers deep and honestly dont remember much. it's best that way though.
my fucking temporary filling came out!!!!! of course!!!!
my poor boyfriend barely even knows me...and it's become all too obvious. if he did, he would know my whole thing with being touched...the whole thing being i dont like it. its sad that i dont even like it when my boyfriend tries, but i dont, and never have nor will. he knows nothing about my past...and he saw a side of me he didn't know was there...like may said. i'm just so goddamn complex OPPOSITE!
my interview uhm went um well i think yes. i wont get it though. shit like that doesn't happen to me. thats for goddamn sureim ready to be not here.
Friday, April 2, 2004
9:52AM
i just bought this soda. i don't even want to drink it.
in the last 30 minutes i've consumed an iced tea, a stawberry poptart, a bagel and half a fucking donought. seriously. i don't even need to say anything else.
sarah and may are moving sarah out right now. i wish i were there.
i'm gonna start my eating disorder today. pretty soon actually...but i'm thinking i want a ciggarette first.
ON TO THE GOOD NEWS.
sooo monday i have a job interview at this tiny little real estate office in roseville...its 9.50 an hour, negotiable, no benefits and 40 hours a week. i could live like a fucking king with that kind of income, being as that my rent will be 300 and i'm not really one to spend my money on anything but ciggarettes. so if my mother doesnt fuck this up like she always does, my life will soon be my own.
how funny that i don't even believe the lies i tell myself.
Current mood: scared
Thursday, April 1, 2004
4:55PM
name = Lauren Cousin
piercings = ears.
tattoos = 1, but others will develop soon...i hope.
height= this doctor told me im 5'8. she's full of shit because i am at LEAST 5'9. the nerve.
shoe size = it definitly doesn't matter.
hair color = dark brown with light brown streaks in my bangs. it gradually faded from black/platinum to this.
siblings = eddie, allison and a dog.
[LAST...]
movie you watched = i watched a little of texas chainsaw massacre last night. nauseating.
movie you bought = i'm not sure i have ever bought a movie.
song you listened to = a my chemical romance song...forgot the name.
song that was stuck in you head = a stupid fucking HIM songg. ask me how much i hate that band.
cd you bought = mmm link 80 i think
cd you listened to = my chemical romance
person you've called = my mom
person that's called you = no one calls me anymore. i have no fucking phone.
tv show you've watched = i don't know.
[DO...]
you have a crush on someone = kind of
you wish you could live somewhere else = every second of everyday, yes.
you think about suicide = i didn't know that made me wierd?
you believe in online dating = it is in fact real, but i think it's creepy as fuck.
others find you attractive = i don't know
you want more piercings = the only thing i would pierce is my lip homie
you like cleaning = when i'm without anything else to do.
you like roller coasters = I HAPPEN TO LOVE THEM.
you write in cursive or print = a mix.
[FOR OR AGAINST...]
long distance relationships = i've never been in one so i have no idea thanks.
using someone = um, what constitues "using"?
suicide = who the fuck is FOR suicide??
killing people = dude, knife 'em.
smoking = LOVE IT
driving drunk = fuck you.
gay/lesbian relationships = i've never met someone who advocates being gay or lesbian, so i'll say they don't bother me.
[HAVE YOU...]
ever cried over a girl = my friends.
ever cried over a boy = yes
ever lied to someone = yes
ever been in a fist fight = with dana
[WHAT...]
shampoo do you use = um pantene death at the moment
shoes do you wear = i only wear chucks but im buying mary janes tonight!!!
are you scared of = life.
[NUMBER...]
of times I have been in love?= once, and i will never fall for it again, honestly.
of times I have had my heart broken? = a few times i guess, but only once by a boy.
of hearts I have broken? = none dude.
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? i dont know
of things in my past that I regret? = i don't do that.
[DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...]
pretty= sometimes
hot= anyone who says they're "hot" is promised a knife in the chest, love lauren xoxo
friendly= sure, but i promise it isn't because i like you
amusing= no i'm actually quite dull
ugly= most of the time, yes
loveable= not at all...i'm pretty unattatched
caring= see above
sweet= people might think so
dorky= no
[FAVORITE...]
5 letter word: dude
Actor/actress: i despise actors.
Candy: charlston chew
Cartoon: that aqua team show
Cereal: golden grahams
Chewing gum: it all tastes the same
Color(s): i only really wear black white and red
Color nail polish: don't have nails homie
Day of week: saturday
Least fave day: monday
Flower: i dont have one
Jello flavor: fuck ew
Jewelry: my promise ring from my mom
Special skills/talents: making people not like me
Summer/Winter: i used to say winter but the last one sucked
|| Person who last.. ||
Slept in your bed: me
Saw you cry: sarah or my mom
Made you cry: my mom
You went to the movies with: sarah and may
Yelled at you: i don't typically get yelled at by anyone but my mom
Sent you an email: i sent one to myself hahahhaha
|| Have you ever.. ||
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yes
Gone out in public in your pajamas: no way
Cried during a movie: yes
Planned your week based on the TV: no, if that were the extent of my social ventures i would kill myself
Been on stage: not because people were watching
Been to New York: born and raised so you can go kill yourself
Been to California: yes, its a disease.
Hawaii: no
China: no
Canada: no
Europe: no
Asia: no
South: no
Australia: no
Wished you were another gender: why
What time is it now?: 4:23 pm
|| This or That? ||
i erased all those stupid fucking questions
|| Friendship/Love ||
Do you believe in love at first sight?: i believe in a severe attraction
Do you want children one day and if so, how many? undecided
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: loyalty
|| Other Info ||
Criminal record?: no, fuck.
Do you speak any other languages?: spanish is badass
4:31PM
hmmm, "made for each other". i believe in like, none of that.
i used to believe that people were meant to know one another, that some people gravitate toward each other because they were so compatable that it became their fate.
now i know that it is the most beautiful lie i was ever told.
i miss you. so much i fucking despise myself. how disgusting that someone so mistreated would come crawling at your feet! and yet here i am...to be truthful i shouldn't be allowed to remember the day we met, but it's punnishment for how i behave now, and i understand that...god forbid i worship you the way i so faithfully do and expect nothing in the way of consequence. is that not the true definition of selfishness? but you know what, i don't want forgiveness.
all i want is you. the closest thing to the real me that i was ever privledged enough to know.
Current mood: nauseated
Monday, March 29, 2004
2:20PM
my life.
i guess you could hardly call it "my" life.
but i may be moving out soon...becky and claire are getting a HOUSE dude. thats right, a house. by school too. becky's mom is awesome and totally helpful with everything, so i really see this working out...i just wish that friends, with the exception of megan, would be a little more supportive...mostly because im so supportive of them and their ventures.
whatever.
life could be so much more than this.
im going to throw up, everyone leave me alone today please.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
12:47PM
im in hell, honestly.
im practically in jail AND IM GOING TO SET SHIT ON FIRE.
LAUREN IS NOT A FUCKING CRIMINAL BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
im hardly the bad person i'm made out to be...
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
2:52AM
why am i still drunk? i don't even have the slightest recolection of how much i drank...too much i'm sure. but thats beside the point.
...but what was my point?
that i'm still drunk, yes. and i bought 4 packs of ciggarettes...and smoked about 10.
so lately. i sleep. wake up. wait for someone to call/call someone. drink disgusting beer. talk about how much i like cory and not do anything about it. same old same old...
i have been reliving my pop punk days and realizing how much i fucking love it. it makes me happy...and honestly nothing else does. but its funny because the feeling you get from your favorite song is utterly undescribeable. nothing is better. not even sex...thats right i said not even sex. maybe really good sex??? like i would know. i've had really good sex like...twice.
im drunk.
but i want the new yellowcard cd. real-bad.
blah but sarah and i drank a bottle of cooks tonight and had like 3 coronas each. weak sauce. needless to say we passed out on the concrete outside cory's house. then we called dana and began to bawl. i am just incredibly worried about sarah. i should put as much effort into myself as i do my friendships. but i do anyway...the boys. i fucking love the boys. every last one despite their flaws or faults. james and i are moving out soon...but its hard for him to find a job with his past and all...its all quite fucking frightening. life is frightening. i feel pretty sick and cory isnt talking to me so i think i will go to bed now. or soon. whatev.
Current mood:  discontent
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
5:34PM
no one in my house will talk to me. its shitty but at the same time i really don't make any kind of effort to make things better here. i'm just bored with everything. i thought i would be happy doing nothing, but i'm not. i'm not happy doing anything i guess, or with anyone. it's something you get used to...it's what i fucking asked for.
lately, all i've been doing is hanging out with everyone...i basically sleep in as much as possible, wake up, get ready and wander around looking like i'm doing something, wait for sarah to pick me up and then i leave, come home when i can get a ride and begin the cycle the next day.
in the last 2 days, i've watched 20 episodes of my so called life. its pathetic but i fucking adore it.
oh last night sarah drove off the edge of a hill and we got stuck halfway between a taco bell drive thru and madison avenue. on a hill. in the rain. it was amazing.
the other day i cut and dyed kiel's hair and its fucking tough...i think i may be the only one who likes it.
i miss my old friends a lot...i feel like i don't see anyone who used to be involved in my everyday life...but thats growing up i suppose. sarah is waiting for me to get a new job so we can move out...hopefully by the beginning of summer?
i miss megan a lot. she's in love though and while i despise that emotion in general, im incredibly happy for her. pat has his shit togther and is an amazing guy. she deserves it all...honestly. i miss you bb mgee <3
i don't want to write in this anymore...i sound like i'm dying. but i'm happy...maybe.
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